Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
