He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
