i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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