I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
