i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
