see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
