if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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