fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
