I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
