I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
