FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
