Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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