mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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