also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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