Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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