its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
