an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
