Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
