I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Dick very happy bro
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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