Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
