he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
