I don't usually arrange sex via text message
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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