I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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