i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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