Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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