You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We have started to decorate penises.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
