I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
