Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
