Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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