hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
being pregnant is like rehab
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
