I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
