I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
