sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
