Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
