i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
