Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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