Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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