My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
