Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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