nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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