I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
