thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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