Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
