I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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