Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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