FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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