and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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