apparently the secret to your success is patron
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
