i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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