ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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